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(no subject)  
10:38pm 11/09/2006
 
 
Anna-Kate
anyone interested in my regular life lj its wonderingxmind I'll be using that journal more now as I am trying to separate myself from my ED. This journal will still be in use for my emotional crap outlet. Where as the other one is more of my every day life. and tends at times to be a bit happier? maybe? Maybe not so much lately.
 
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(no subject)  
10:59pm 08/09/2006
 
 
Anna-Kate
I took some photos, I think they turned out well.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
 
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I horde food.  
06:13pm 01/09/2006
 
 
Anna-Kate
I horde food. There is far more food in my house than one person needs. Funny thing is, I eat far less food than one person needs. I've also taken up my OCD patterns of cleaning. Even though I recognize that this is OCD, I still can't get past the idea that there is dirt everywhere. I'm taking 2 showers a day.
mood: contemplativecontemplative
 
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Photos of me  
07:34pm 24/08/2006
 
 
Anna-Kate
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Because I know I like to see what other people look likeCollapse )
 
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Work  
03:00am 23/08/2006
 
 
Anna-Kate
My new job kicks ass. I love that I'm learning new things every day. It's hard work, but I enjoy the intellectual challenge. It hit me full force today that in November I'll be single handedly running the Physicians conference in Toronto--Ok that is really scary! I don't know If I'll be ready to do it; and there is no room for fucking up because the people who know what's going on will be in Europe on vacation. OMFG!!!

*experiencing severe inferiority complex*

I just have to make sure that EVERYTHING is in place before my coworkers leave. And I have to admit that this will be an amazing experience, and will look great on my C.V. And ok maybe I get off, just a little bit, on the anxiety of it all.

In other news: The girl I'm replacing drives my boss up the wall. She knows this, and I think she resents me a bit even though she quite, it's not like I got her fired.
*spits on office politics*

One bit of good news is that I totally love working with the other people in the office.
 
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Sugar plum nightmares  
08:58pm 22/08/2006
 
 
Anna-Kate
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Not Work safe, and some hard core bones.Collapse )
 
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weight gain  
12:36am 22/08/2006
 
 
Anna-Kate
in all honesty, I'm only gaining weight because I want to look "healthy" when I see Alanna again. I know that I will get more attention from her if I look healthy. I plan to loose all the weight again after, knowing that she'll say something when she sees my weight fluctuate.

I know that is insanely sick. but it's true.

I wish I knew how to express what I want with out using my body... I wish I actually knew what it is I want.
 
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Relationships  
08:59am 17/08/2006
 
 
Anna-Kate
Pay attention to what you read. After you have finished reading it, you will know the reason it was sent to you. Here goes:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Send this to every friend that you have on-line, including the person who sent it to you.
If you get:

0 Replies - you may need to work on your "people skills"
2 Replies - you are nice but probably need to be more outgoing
4 Replies - you have picked your friends well
6 Replies - you are downright popular < BR>8 Replies or More - you are totally awesome (and that's probably why you're on MY list
 
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a new chapter  
11:08pm 13/08/2006
 
 
Anna-Kate
Tonight I am going to bed and tuning the page to a new chapter. I'm finding that the time I've spent since leaving therapy has made me ambivalent about my recovery. But I have to remember all that I lose when I don't take care of myself. Today I remembered how the man who brutally stole my virginity also stole my life for 8 years. I have allowed this person to take away my feminine strength, my beauty, my personality, my power. Being both anorexic, and at times bulimic, has caused me countless medical problems, and I will not stand for it, I will not give up on account of a man who made me so vulnerable and broken.

During the years in which I gave in to anorexia and bulimia, I lost my joy for life. Sure I had fleeting moments of peace and joy, but my passion for art and life was lost. I didn't know how to experience my emotions properly, and my anxiety was out of control--causing me to do tiring ritualistic acts (which were later diagnosed as OCD related). These are all anxiety related disorders, all of which I am prone to falling back on if I am not careful about keeping my emotional self healthy. I've had difficulty maintaining friendships, allowed people to walk all over me till I inevitably blow up and give up on a person. I've doted on people who don't care to give me the time of day. But the last year at the ED clinic has taught me the importance of acknowledging my feelings good and bad. It has taught me that if I stuff my emotions in a box, I take it out by grinding my teeth in my sleep till I awake with a dislocated jaw (which has happened more times than I can count).

So to night I make the decision to take time out every day to look at my feelings, to asses my head space, and to sit with my emotions and let myself experience them. I want to put behind me the days of taking my pain out on my body. It is time for me to be myself in my entirety.

so from this point on I give to myself the gift of time. I will take the time each night to prepare a dinner, and eat sitting with my food. I will give to myself the time to think about my day after dinner. I will be more vigilant about writing in a journal, and I will give myself time to read a book.

I will be gentle with myself when I fall back in old habits, but push myself to get up and try again. 8 years of an eating disorder will not heal over night.

I will not starve and purge the rape out of me. I will not hurt myself for what has been done to me. I am not a victim, or a survivor. I am a thriver from this point forward.
mood: contemplativecontemplative
 
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I hate "recovery"  
09:33pm 12/08/2006
 
 
Anna-Kate
I can't stand my body. I feel like I'm drowning in fat. I want to cut my thighs of, I want to cut my arms off. My stomach is flat now that I'm healthy, I don't get that bloated "starved" swollen problem. But the rest of me is out of control fat. It's making me feel crazy. I need the find a quiet place with in myself again and sit there and become Ok with who I have become. If I can't do that, then I have to stop eating again.
 
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