Tonight I am going to bed and tuning the page to a new chapter. I'm finding that the time I've spent since leaving therapy has made me ambivalent about my recovery. But I have to remember all that I lose when I don't take care of myself. Today I remembered how the man who brutally stole my virginity also stole my life for 8 years. I have allowed this person to take away my feminine strength, my beauty, my personality, my power. Being both anorexic, and at times bulimic, has caused me countless medical problems, and I will not stand for it, I will not give up on account of a man who made me so vulnerable and broken.
During the years in which I gave in to anorexia and bulimia, I lost my joy for life. Sure I had fleeting moments of peace and joy, but my passion for art and life was lost. I didn't know how to experience my emotions properly, and my anxiety was out of control--causing me to do tiring ritualistic acts (which were later diagnosed as OCD related). These are all anxiety related disorders, all of which I am prone to falling back on if I am not careful about keeping my emotional self healthy. I've had difficulty maintaining friendships, allowed people to walk all over me till I inevitably blow up and give up on a person. I've doted on people who don't care to give me the time of day. But the last year at the ED clinic has taught me the importance of acknowledging my feelings good and bad. It has taught me that if I stuff my emotions in a box, I take it out by grinding my teeth in my sleep till I awake with a dislocated jaw (which has happened more times than I can count).
So to night I make the decision to take time out every day to look at my feelings, to asses my head space, and to sit with my emotions and let myself experience them. I want to put behind me the days of taking my pain out on my body. It is time for me to be myself in my entirety.
so from this point on I give to myself the gift of time. I will take the time each night to prepare a dinner, and eat sitting with my food. I will give to myself the time to think about my day after dinner. I will be more vigilant about writing in a journal, and I will give myself time to read a book.
I will be gentle with myself when I fall back in old habits, but push myself to get up and try again. 8 years of an eating disorder will not heal over night.
I will not starve and purge the rape out of me. I will not hurt myself for what has been done to me. I am not a victim, or a survivor. I am a thriver from this point forward.