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cat watching  
08:06pm 11/08/2006
On my way home from work I saw this beauty just waiting to be photographed

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in colour behind cutCollapse )
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Everyone will hate me.  
01:08am 08/08/2006
Sometimes I feel like the biggest failure in the universe. I'm terrified that people will find out how much I fail at life.
mood: lonelylonely
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Friends only Comment to be added  
07:13pm 04/08/2006
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08:55pm 03/08/2006
see the thing about love is that you can't compartmentalize it, quantify it or qualify it. But humans have this need to make everything mathematical in order to believe in it. "You know love when you could never imagine you life without that person"; that's what I was told about marriage by my god mother, and I believe her. But society has such a limited view of love. It says love is when two people have a mutually intense affection for each-other. If it's not mutual then it is called obsession. But that is bull shit. That is like saying 2 + 2 only equals 4 if both of the twos want to be added. If love triumphs over all then how can the absence of love on one person's part totally discount the other individual's love?!? Obsession is feeling that you can't imagine your life with out someone while at the same time being forced to live without that person. It is the most painful emotion to feel, it fills you with loneliness, longing, eternal frustration. Obsession is seen in this negative light, that it is illogical, that there is no basis for feeling such emotions. But is love not just as illogical? When two people are in love all logic goes out the door. Love will make them run off together at any expense. Obsession will make you try and win the object of you affection at any expense. Love and obsession are one in the same, and that is why they both will make a person crazy.

My experience of love and what has been labeled obsessive love have been identical. The only difference being that my "obsessive love" was not returned. I'm told it's obsessive because my love is not wanted, and because I can not love a person whom a barely know. On the other hand when I've found instant mutual obsession for a person, I've been congratulated for experiencing "love at first sight". How can one be revered so highly while the other be discouraged as an illness to get over? How can one make a person so proud, while a person is made to feel guilty about the other?

For one year I took medication in order to experience my emotions "properly". What I experienced was having dull inklings that I may like or dislike something. I lost passion. Though I still felt love for people I was not supposed to love, the volume was turned down, and so I acted "appropriately". This was an act in part for the benefit of those around me; I hoped to make people more comfortable with me. In part I sought "help" because I could not stand the pain of rejection any longer. And while I was in therapy I worked through the other things that made me uncomfortable. At first I thought that this medication was helping because it dulled my anxiety; but after facing what made me so anxious I stopped taking the "medication". What is left now that drugs are out of my system is pure love with no fear. And though my affections for people may not always be returned, I no longer need them to with such vehemence. I can see the wonderful qualities of people and accept that they are not ready and may never be ready to return this adoration.

People are lonely. If there is one thing I learned while working in the church it's that there are many lonely people. "All the lonely people; where do they all come from?" But the problem is not that we are unloved it is that we have such a limited understanding of love. And we discount the purest love, the one that stands even unreturned.
mood: peacefulpeaceful
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this is too cute, she's having so much fun!  
09:09pm 21/07/2006
11:13am 21/07/2006
years of bulimia and anxiety have done a number on the TJM joint in my jaw. I broke another mouth gard, this one had metal reinforcements in it. *sigh* my face hurts like hell.

I'm supposed to be "recovered". But having my jaw in such pain has forced my onto a liquid diet until I can chew again. I find this very triggering. Soup day after day leaves you with an empty feeling in your gut. An old familiar feeling that I once found powerful. My digestive system has been working properly for some months now, and this switch to liquid foods is leaving me with terrible cramps, and a belly full of acid. I remember a time when I ate Rolaids and an apple for lunch, I may have to introduce Rolaids back into my diet.

I am allowed to be hungry. This is not an emotional weakness. This is not a character flaw.

Or maybe I like to torture myself.
mood: hungryhungry
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06:28am 21/07/2006
I woke up filled with anxiety today.

-I just finished my ED treatment of almost a year. I'm afraid of how I'll make it with out that support network.

-I just moved to a new town where I don't really know anyone.

-I just started a new job. Even though I'm the bosses pet (so I know my job is safe) I'm afraid people will hate me for getting to be the pet after only 2 weeks. I'm terrified of office politics, I'm never popular. I'm always the awkward one. And in offices filled with over weight women, I hear jealous snickers behind my back, or blatant remarks about my weight to my face. I ate a sticky bun yesterday and one co-worker said I just don't know how you eat stuff like that and stay so small! I could hear hate in her voice. I always go into a new job or school naively loving everyone; it always hurts so much when I come to the realization that I am not totally loved in return. Why are people so shallow and fake? What is so wrong with me that makes me so unlovable?
mood: anxiousanxious
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because I love knowing what other people look like.  
09:02pm 20/07/2006
Me at a party a few months ago.

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new start  
06:21pm 20/07/2006
Here I am starting out in a new town. A new life.

I just completed a year of therapy in Montreal's Douglas ED clinic. I am healthier than I have ever been since I was a small child. But just two weeks after completing my program, and moving to a new town for a great new career, I feel the tug of my old habits pulling on me. For now I am still eating properly. For now I am not over exercising. But I know that I need to find a therapist to work with here. I know because I've been looking at Pro-ed stuff after work. In the mean time I will use this journal to write out my fealings, and talk to people who I know understand me.
mood: AmbivalentAmbivalent
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